The other day, Rebecca commented to her husband KC that being a “Super Feeler” was exhausting, especially when you’re prone to negative emotions like anxiety.
When Your Feelings Are Your Filter
When you’re filtering everything through your feelings and you are prone to negative emotions, your body is constantly being hijacked by low level cortisol. Even if it is sub-perceptual, it is likely causing a cascade of physiological reactions (often in the gut area but also in tension in the shoulders and hips, mild visual vigilance, jaw tightening, etc.),
Are You Talking About Opinions?
When Rebecca described this sense of experiencing everything through her feelings to KC (who is solidly a Thinker on the Myers Briggs’ personality profile*), he replied spontaneously with genuine confusion “What do mean? Like opinions?!”
That’s What a Thinker Would Say!
Rebecca burst out laughing, realizing that he was such a Thinker* that emotions were more like thoughts to him, detached from his identity, like contemplations, and that he could not possibly relate to the experience that Super Feelers* have that they ARE their feelings.
Detaching From Feelings
This is why those of us who are Super Feelers need techniques to help us detach from our emotions. We need to be able to get some distance, to cultivate a sense of self that can observe but not be consumed by the part of ourselves that is having a powerful emotion.
Getting A Reprieve From Being Overly-Identified With Our Feelings
We develop this more neutral stance so that we can get some reprieve from being completely identified with our emotions, especially if they’re negative ones (anger, resentment, guilt, fear, sadness). It’s not that these emotions are bad, it’s just that we don’t want to get stuck in them otherwise they begin to wear on the body and skew our perceptions.
Techniques for Managing Overwhelming Feelings
We suggest a couple of techniques to help manage getting overwhelmed and being overly identified with our feelings. These work for Super Feelers or anyone who is feel overtaken by strong negative emotions.
1-Draw the Observing Self.
At a time when you’re feeling overwhelmed, imagine a part of yourself that is separate from your feelings and create a symbol for that “Observing Self”. You’re visualizing a detached part of yourself that will be witnessing the other part of you that has strong feelings. This Observing Self can begin to cultivate “mindfulness” (non-judgmental awareness) toward the other part.
2-Express the Feelings
When you’re overcome with strong feelings, they need to be expressed. Don’t try to suppress them. “Expressive” activities can include things like making marks to capture the emotion, bilateral scribble drawings, movement (getting up and dancing to rhythmic music), spill writing (stream of consciousness writing for 10-20 minutes). The point is to tap into the feeling and give it a way to come out. It usually starts off as a sense of “venting” but then it often transforms as the feeling gets metabolized and its grip lessens.
3-Combine the Two
After you’ve spent some time expressing the feeling, consider making another piece of artwork in which you include both the symbol of the Observing Self and marks that represent the powerful emotion. Notice how they are interacting. For example, Rebecca put her Observing Self above the scumbled red marks but then she felt included to surround the marks with the same color as the observing self. Clearly a need to contain them and emphasize the distance.
4-When You’re Upset Bring The Symbol of Your Observing Self To Mind
When you ‘re experiencing strong emotions, try to bring to mind the symbol you made of your Observing Self and imagine that part of you detaching from the emotion and watching yourself having the experience. Continue to engage in the exercises above to build that capacity to detach and to give your mind something else to focus on.
5-Breathe
Your breath is your greatest tool for trying to regulate strong emotions and keep them from overpowering you. You can do box breathing (inhale 4 counts, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4, repeat) or 4:7:8 (4 in, hold for 7, exhale for 8, repeat). These techniques will help relax your nervous system .
Stay tuned for a post for the Thinkers who feel too detached from their feelings and want to access and experience them more.